When Toxic Is Family
Yeah… that title could’ve been “when family is toxic”, but I just feel like flipping it around really brings your attention to that word “toxic”, and how it seeps into every aspect of our lives, even making its way into our most personal circle - family. It is hard. It is absolutely hard to acknowledge when there is toxic energy in what is supposed to be our safest of spaces, that circle of people who is the closest to us, who knows us like no one could ever know us. And that right there is the double edged sword. That right there is both the blessing and the curse, because there is no one who can push you forward like your family can, and there is no one who can destroy you like your family can.
You know, that word “toxic” has become very popular today, to the point where it can be thrown around like a tennis ball, to the point where even toxic people will call you toxic, because, you know… toxic loves to gaslight. So, let’s explore together what can be acknowledged as toxic. I’ve learned from therapy that there are three common toxic ways to deal with conflict. Now, we say “toxic”, but perhaps “unhealthy” might sound less harsh. The reason I say this is because people who exhibit these behaviours aren’t inherently evil. That’s exactly why you can feel conflicted when members of your family, who you love, do some shitty things to you, more than once, or on a regular basis. You know there’s good in them and you might even see it regularly as well, and the key here is to recognize this very point. That they’re not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to decide between either labeling someone as good or as toxic, and you don’t have to either deny the toxic because it’s family, nor do you need to unleash world war 3 on them because they are indeed toxic, although it might sometimes feel tempting because you wanna tell them everything you were once scared of telling them.
Now, let’s go back to the three main unhealthy or toxic behaviours:
Passive: Passive behaviour is essentially when you avoid expressing your honest feelings to avoid conflict, and when you generally put others’ feelings and needs above your own, even if it means compromising your own wellbeing. You might feel that your feelings aren't valid or are scared to upset others, and this behavior can lead to feelings of resentment or a sense of not being heard or valued. So, you might seem like the nicest person and yet fall into toxic behaviour, because it’s toxic to you! You become a magnet that attracts people who need to put themselves above others and take advantage of them to feel superior and in control. Or you become toxic to others in that your passive behaviour confuses the people who love you, because they don’t know what you want or need, because you don’t fucking express it!
Passive aggressive: Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly addressing them. This might include subtle actions that express their discontent, like sarcasm, silent treatment, or procrastination. It's a form of masked aggression where the person avoids direct confrontation but still attempts to exert control or cause harm. You can’t be honest, so you throw comments.
Aggressive: That one seems more obvious. It involves forcefully asserting one's own needs or rights without regard for the feelings, needs, or rights of others. This can manifest as shouting, blaming, threatening, or even physical violence.
With these behaviors, we can combine some shitty weapons like manipulation and gaslighting as well as guilt-tripping and abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual) to create a cocktail of toxic diarrhea offered to you as the elixir of absolute destruction. I’ve gotten comments from a quote I wrote and posted on Instagram saying how “in no way are you obliged to allow toxic people in your life.” This resonated with a lot of people. It’s crazy the impact a simple sentence can have on so many people. I also received more than one comment asking “even when it’s family?”. And the answer is yes. As hard as it is to accept, the first people you need to set boundaries with are those who are likely to be in your life the most. Of course, you set boundaries with anyone, stranger or family member, but it’s even more obvious how crucial it is to do so with someone who you see on a regular basis and with whom you share history. It sometimes feels harder because of that history. You developed patterns of behavior with them that are embedded in your psyche. That shit is hard to break. How do you set boundaries with a father who was controlling and aggressive, yet at the same time loving and caring? That’s fucking confusing! Or a cousin you grew up with who is abusive, or avoidant? Yeah… it’s hard.
Speaking of comments, I also got one that I thought was quite interesting, and it went something like this: “You sound like my dumb kids. You try surviving a war, an arranged marriage and snipers. If you walked a day in our shoes you would be the most toxic and crumble like dry cookies.” Damn! Yeah… heavy shit. It also seems defensive, like they’ve been accused of being toxic before. I don’t know details about that person’s life and can’t make assumptions. I can only speculate and make some deductions, but notice the first sentence they said. “You sound like my dumb kids.” From this, it sounds like their kids have spoken to them about toxic or unhealthy behavior, and may have had their feelings undermined, because they didn’t experience the shit that person did, like war and arranged marriages. I learned that unprocessed feelings and trauma can be passed on as inter-generational trauma. Wounds that aren’t healing are passed on. That person looks like they haven’t had the chance to heal their wounds, and this happens with a lot of families. The shit you take is shit they’ve been carrying and didn’t know how to heal from. This is even more obvious with families who have had to escape war and other atrocities. It’s like a part of them remains in survival mode and they might become emotionally distant or harsh with you, trying to convince you that your feelings are nothing next to what they’ve had to endure, which makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter, that you’re a little bitch who should stop nagging and acting like a cry-baby, or other similar guilt-inducing comments. But you know they’re not evil. They’re just stuck in their wounds. But… YOU don’t have to be. You can break the cycle.
Family gives you the opportunity (and sometimes the fucking obligation) to do the deep dive and work to understand what the fuck is rooted in you that influences your behavior, because as you move forward in life and encounter new people, new friends, coworkers, new wonderful opportunities for joy and fulfillment, like the amazing person that could become your wife or husband, like the kids you want to have with them, well you gotta be able to rise above yourself and undo whatever can hold you back from having those things the way you hope to have them, and living your greatest joy. That takes work, and that work involves both inner work and outer work. You work on yourself and you work on the people in your life that affect you, like your family. That work is not you becoming their life coach or therapist, but simply transforming your relationship with them, and sometimes that starts with something as simple as switching form being passive to being assertive, voicing your feelings and needs where the old you would just internalize it and obey quietly, or force yourself to do things for family at the cost of your wellbeing. It can start with a “no”, a calm but decisive “no”. Or it can start with saying exactly what’s bothering you in an honest and respectful way, where the old you didn’t have the courage to do so, and instead would give a random silent treatment, or throw a hurtful side comment. It might also mean taking a breath before firing your violent insults and making aggressive, controlling demands, or walking away and giving yourself 5 minutes to cool off before you can come back and talk. I learned that from C.B.T. (cognitive behavioral therapy), where you’re taught to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment and then rate them on a scale from 1-10. So, in the context of an argument, you recognize your anger and even say it. “I’m angry.” That’s honest and simple. Saying that you’re angry and about what, then rating your anger. To hold the argument, you gotta stay under 5. If you feel yourself going over 5, you walk away and come back when you’re back at 3.
It’s scary. Working on yourself and digging into your psyche is scary. Updating your behavior and how you interact with family is scary. It’s uncharted territory. You’re going from something you were in all your life that is also extremely familiar to something completely new and unknown. Family relationships I find are the hardest to update, because of so much history and patterns developed since childhood. I’ve also found that some of the deepest healing comes from updating those relationships. So, I really encourage you to do the dive, for yourself and for your loved ones. Everyone will benefit. You will benefit, your parents will benefit, your siblings will benefit, and your spouse & kids will benefit.
Sources
https://www.lifepersona.com/what-is-passive-behavior-characteristics-and-consequences
https://mantracare.org/therapy/therapy-types/passive-aggressive/
https://oie.duke.edu/inter-generational-trauma-6-ways-it-affects-families
